...so i touched it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
