that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
