Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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