is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
