are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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