hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff