can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
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Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body