There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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