My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
