just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
