Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
