its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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