Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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