I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
