Taylor Swift is so right about you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
