rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I want a musical about memes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
