I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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