It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
