my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
