just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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