I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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