I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
