they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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