we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
