wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
