After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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