Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
