I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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