oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
