there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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