Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
