Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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