why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
