mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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