I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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