If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
