proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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