I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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