Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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