New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
