i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
