Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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