Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
