I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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