I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
