I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
