apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
