he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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