Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
