He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
