i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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