Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
