It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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