just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
