I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
