Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
