I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
