I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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