Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you win again, gameday.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Watching her eat just hurts me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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