just tell him i said nine months
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
