chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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