Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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