I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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